Carjacker
by Nurse Joker
Summary: Batman has been ignoring the Joker so he takes matters into his own hands. Unfortunately for Alfred, he gets caught in the crossfire.


_Note: This is a roleplay between myself and my best friend. She plays Alfred._

* * *

Alfred moaned as he drove the sedan down Main Street, coming back with the dry cleaning. It had taken much longer than expected today because Master Bruce had left large blood stains on one of his shirts without telling him, and he'd had to talk the owners out of calling the police. He reached over and turned on the radio in an attempt to relax. The music had just begun to soothe him into a lull when suddenly— _Tap Tap TapTap Tap— _Shave and a Haircut was played on the passenger side window.

_Two bits_— Alfred's fingers tapped. His stomach clenched, as the car was currently speeding down the road (at least as fast as it could go in rush hour traffic). "What on earth?" He turned his head.

Hanging out the window of a smoking half-wrecked car was the Joker. His hair whipped in the breeze as he grinned down at Alfred and motioned for him to open the door.

Alfred turned his attention back on the road ahead of him and took a slow, measured breath. He wondered what Master Bruce would do in this situation.

The Joker rolled his eyes at the older man then grabbed frantically at his vehicle as it was force to dodge around slower moving traffic.

'I'll have to stall him,' he thought, nodding to himself as he reached towards the door as if to admit the madman… and abruptly swerved into a side alley.

"Sneaky," the Joker murmured to himself with a smirk. Putting his head back in the car he motioned to his goon to follow the older man. There was no way the madman would admit defeat in anything to anyone except for the Batman.

* * *

The car lurched as it trampled debris and refuse in the alley. Sirens flared and overhead he heard the chopping of a helicopter, and ever behind, a high maniacal laughter. Trying to remain calm he remarked to himself, "Hm... no wonder Master Bruce is a bit irritable in the morning…" His fingers tightened on the steering wheel.

"Ram him," The Joker ordered from the backseat of the pursuing vehicle. His goon stepped on the gas and they lurched forward, smashing into the car ahead.

"Damn." The Englishman growled as the car jolted from the impact, careening across an oil slick and grinding against the right wall of the narrow alley.

Laughter burst from the Joker's mouth as he writhed with delight. "Again," he muttered in between fits. "Hit him again! Do it do it do it doitdoitdoit—"

Alfred fought for control, ramming the car against the left wall before rocking it to the right. One of the tires had popped already. "This is one of those times I wish Master Bruce would watch television!" He reached the road and attempted to turn the sedan around the sharp corner, only to oversteer, barely missing slamming into his pursuers.

The Joker poked his head out of the window again only to dive back in with an unsteady giggle as a bullet crossed the path where he head had been. The chirp of sirens and a glance behind him showed several police cars gaining on them. "I can't die now," he sang, "I haven't caught Batman's attention yet."

Crouched with his head partly under the steering wheel, Alfred unknowingly agreed with the basic sense of the sentiment. It would nice for Batman to show up NOW.

The Joker peeked over the back seat and carefully aimed his gun at the cop driving the police car directly behind them. With a sharp bang, both the back windshield and the cop's head vanished. The police car swerved, the cop's partner grabbing frantically at the wheel as it turned sideways and then flipped into the opposite lane. Panicked, the drivers of the oncoming cars cut across the sedan's path, forcing Alfred to slam on the brakes.

"Yes!" the Joker cried, bouncing in his seat, "Finally." The goon pulled as close as he could to the car ahead and the Joker leapt out. Straightening his coat he strutted up to the vehicle, his goon laying down covering fire on the remaining cops behind. "Knock knock," he said, tapping on the glass with a smirk.

Alfred closed his eyes, feigning unconsciousness.

The Joker opened the car door. "Huh," he said loudly, "I guess he's broken." He raised his gun and pointed it at the man slumped over in his seat. "I guess I'll have to shoot him to make sure."

With a cry, Alfred came up with his hands in the air

"You're a little schemer, aren't you?" the Joker said pleasantly. Then his face twisted and his voice deepened into a dark growl, "I HATE SCHEMERS."

"My apologies then." Alfred ground out nervously.

The Joker blinked, then shrugged. "Scooch over Pops. I wanna drive."

Alfred nodded, surprised at the Joker's sudden change in attitude, and maneuvered himself to the passenger seat.

"Alright," the Joker said, slipping into the driver's seat. He spent a few minutes fiddling with the seat adjusters and moving the mirrors into position, his movements punctuated by the gunshots in the background. Then he turned and grinned at his passenger, "You'd better buckle up. It's the law."

Alfred nodded slowly and complied. His eyes drifted over to the passenger side window. Any time now...

"Ah, ah, ah..." the Joker said, pointing the gun at him without even looking over. "You're scheming again, aren't you? I can tell. I thought we just went through this..." The last words were tinged with frost. "Am I going to have to tie you up?" he continued, easing the car into a slow turn so that it faced a gap in the wreckage.

Alfred turned. Unsettled by the Joker's maddened eyes, he forced his gaze to unfocus and stared blankly at his captor's nose-- a trick he learned back in college drama. "Oh certainly not. I intend to offer no struggle to your endeavors. I was only thinking that perhaps Ma- ahem Mr. Batman will aid me."

"Oh I'm counting on it." the Joker replied, steering the car past the rest of the pile up and onto open road.

_To Be Continued..._


End file.
